


Wandering Souls

by bkwrm523



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-15
Updated: 2015-02-27
Packaged: 2018-03-13 01:17:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3362366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bkwrm523/pseuds/bkwrm523
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if, every time someone in Thedas stood up to save the world, there was the spirit of a great hero guiding them to make the right decisions?  Her name is Karina.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

Karina halted her frantic run in a dead-end room somewhere in the bowls of Skyhold. She found a far corner away from the door, and slid to the floor in it. Alone at last, Kari curled into a ball and let herself sob. She had finally let herself hope; finally she might have been happy. And now all chance of that was lost. 

Her dark brown hair was in its customary ponytail, though now messy and loose. Kari had noticed long ago that the state of her hair generally reflected her health; the better she was, the better her hair. The sicker she felt, the limper and dirtier her hair got. Even when she tried to keep it looking nice, oddly. Her pointed ears stuck out from under loose strands of hair; oddly for Thedas, her ears were shaped mostly like a humans, only the very tips were pointed sharply. Most elves here had ears that were lacking in nearly all round edges, but for the lobes, and stuck out in a straight pointed line. Hers were… softer. No one was quite sure yet why. She wore a pair of soft, comfortable boots. The shoes she wore everywhere, much to Leli and Vivienne’s dismay. They were comfortable; the sort of boots that could be worn for days on end without discomfort. And given how snowy Skyhold was on a daily basis, they were tall and warm enough to be quite practical. Given that she was inside, her warmer clothes had been left in her room. She’d retrieve them if she needed to leave Skyhold, or something. As it was, she had on a simple cream long-sleeved tunic and dark brown pants. The pants were loose, but the ends were tucked into her boots. Practical as that was, she hated it; she and Leliana had had a fight about it when the custom-made boots had first arrived. Tears ran down her face, streaming from her shockingly silver eyes. Her face (not the one she was born with, but that was another story) she had always thought was fair. Not beautiful, but fair. Her nose was oddly shaped, but small enough that it didn’t detract much from her overall looks. Her wide eyes, full lips, and sharp cheekbones made most others disagree strongly with her assessment of ‘not beautiful.’ She was currently certain, however, that the crying absolutely ruined her pale complexion. Not that she really cared at the moment.

Someone would find her eventually. Perhaps Morrigan; Kari had befriended the witch early on when they had stopped the fifth blight together. Kari had known then that Morrigan knew something about Kari that she wouldn't tell her. Something Kari didn't know herself. When it became clear that Morrigan was feeling horribly guilty over it, Kari had taken her aside, and shared all of her deductions with Morrigan. Kari had concluded by saying that she both respected Morrigan's privacy, and trusted that Morrigan had a good reason for keeping it from her. Kari trusted Morrigan to tell Kari whatever it was when it was time, and not before. Morrigan nearly broke down into tears at that, and thereafter the two were even closer. Morrigan might find Kari and berate her for behaving so foolishly over a man until Kari stopped crying, then pile her high with work until Kari was too busy to be sad.

Maybe Leliana would find her. Leli had been a close friend of Kari's from the start, and had known that Kari was the Wanderer since shortly after they met during the blight in Lothering. After the disaster in Kirkwall when Cassandra and Leli were looking for the Hero of Ferelden and the Champion of Kirkwall to lead the Inquisition, Leli had actually been looking for Karina. Leli would sit next to her, maybe put an arm around her, and sing quietly until Kari cried herself out. Then Leli would remind Kari that she was a spymaster now, and promise to find a solution.

Perhaps the Iron Bull? Raised a Ben Hasrath, Bull was far more observant then he looked. Kari had no idea what he'd do, though. Mostly likely, Kari thought, Dorian would find her. He was one of her friends who knew her the best. And one of the few who'd figured out that Ellana Lavella was the current host of the Wanderer. And when Kari'd been kidnapped and give her own body again, she and Dorian had stayed just as close. Dorian had even found her once before, after she had gotten a body again, caught in one if her bad days. 

When she's been on Earth, Kari had managed to develop clinical depression. It was mostly under control these days; she rarely had bad days. When she did, she tended to lock herself up alone and just cry until it passed. Like now. Kari wasn't particularly worried about doing anything to herself. Lord knew no one on Earth had cared whenever she was contemplating suicide, so Kari had gotten used to dealing with it alone.

In any case, Dorian had found her during one such episode. He'd just stood in the doorway for a moment, staring at her, before entering and closing the door behind him. He hadn't shown any sympathy, thank god. That would have made her break down more, and neither of them could have stood that. He's just made distantly pithy comments and jokes until she stopped crying, wiped her face gently until all evidence of tears was gone, then dragged her off to Skyhold's tavern to get drunk. This had shocked everyone, since in her own body Kari didn't drink. It was no moral issue with drunkenness; Kari wasn't above keeping friends company in the tavern. She just didn't indulge. Ever. That night, though, Kari had gotten blackout drunk and woken in Dorian's room with a horrible hangover. She's later learned that she hadn't done anything horrible, and Dorian had gone to find Cullen after seeing her safely passed out in his bed. Kari suspected that Dorian had chewed out Cullen for not noticing that Kari needed help, and instructed him on what signs to watch out for in the future. Dorian would know what to do.

Maybe Sera...no. Kari dismissed it after a moment's thought. Sera would give Kari privacy to cry herself out. When Kari reappeared, Sera would probably drag her along to commit pranks until Kari felt better.

Kari didn't know how long she sat there alone before the door creaked open and she heard boot falls coming towards her. Kari sat on the floor in the corner, knees pulled up to her chest and forehead resting on her knees. As such, she didn't see who had finally found her. Didn't look up. After a moment, whoever it was sat down next to her and put a hand on her knee. Kari cried a little harder, though it made her feel better. When she got like this, it was good to be reminded that someone cared.

"When you are ready to listen, I have advice to offer on the situation." The accent betrayed the very last person Kari had expected to find her: Cassandra. Kari looked up at the woman through startled and tear-filled eyes. Up was right, though. Like most elves, Kari was shorter than most humans, usually only coming up to their chin.

"Do you need me to slap you, or are you back to yourself yet?" Cassandra asked, an odd note in her voice making Kari suspect she was joking. Kari sniffed, and wiped her eyes with the back of one hand.

"What is it?" Kari asked, surprised at how (relatively) even her voice was under the circumstances.

"I am a Seeker, as you know. I am familiar with the symptoms of lyrium withdrawal. Memory loss is one of them, yes. You have every right to be distraught. It is, however, preventing you from thinking clearly. Memory loss does happen, but it is always temporary." Cassandra told Kari, her voice gentle but firm. Cassandra's words penetrated Kari's emotion-clouded mind, and suddenly Kari could breathe again. 

"Y-you mean...he could-" Kari couldn't finish these sentence. Cassandra nodded.

"Yes. And there are things we can do to help it along."

Kari sat cross-legged and turned to face Cassandra. She had hope, and something she could do to fix it. Kari could think again. "Tell me." Kari told Cassandra.

"In the Fade at Adamant, when the Nightmare spoke to you? You wanted to tell Cullen later what it said, but couldn't. So you wrote it down. Cullen showed it to me. Said that I was there, and could tell him how accurate it was. He wanted to be sure it was true. Karina, you have a gift for writing. Write down all the moments between you and Cullen that mattered to you. Write it as though you were telling a tale, and give it to him. It will help him remember."

Kari smiled. This, she could do. She rose up a little on her legs to lean over and hug Cassandra, much to the other woman's shock.

"Thank you." Kari said. She started to rise, the remembered what her face must look like. She gave Cassandra a startled look. "They can't see me like this." Kari told her evenly. From most of her other friends, Kari would have expected them to disagree. Not Cassandra. She nodded at Kari, a small smile on her face.

"Most of Skyhold, yes." Cassandra replied. "It would be bad for morale for the to see the Wanderer as such. But I think you underestimate your friends. For all your experience, you are as mortal as the rest of us. Even Vivienne understands that." Given what had come to light, the secret Morrigan had known of the truth of Kari's birth, that admission from Cassandra meant a great deal.

Cassandra lifted a hand towards Karina, and for the first time Kari noticed a damp kerchief in it. Kari took it, scrubbed her face with it, and glanced at Cassandra for a nodded approval before leaving. Kari had a task to complete.


	2. Origins

The Wanderer. Immortal protector of Thedas. A bedtime story that everyone in Thedas grew up on, irregardless of species or country. Supposedly, the Wanderer was a spirit that could only inhabit the greatest of heroes. To be accused after of having been a host of the Wanderer was, perversely, quite a compliment. It meant that you had been someone important, a Hero entrusted with the fate of Thedas in a single moment. And in that moment, the Wanderer had been with you guiding you, so your decision was the one that would best benefit all of Thedas.

Kari had to admit, when Duncan and Alistair, two characters from a video game, had shown up at her apartment with that story, it had taken some doing on her part before she believed them. But wait, there was more.

Duncan, it turned out, was the current host of the Wanderer. This fact had caused as much surprise in Alistair as in Karina. Duncan (he wouldn't give them another name) wanted to retire as the Wanderer. This was done periodically, it turned out. The previous Wanderer would remain in their last host, live out a normal life as that person while passing on the job to another. There was an existing tradition, even, that the previous Wanderer would accompany their successor as a traveling companion on their very first adventure. The purpose, Duncan told her, was to ease the transition. They'd be there to offer advice, and teach the new one the thousand little things about the position that you couldn't just say all in a single conversation. But this time, it'd be different. Duncan didn't come out and say it, but he hinted what they both knew; that he was to die at Ostagar. His successor, then, would have to be someone who could learn quickly.

Kari was a gamer. Had grown up as a gamer, playing just this sort of game for as long as she could remember. Nothing remotely like this was possible on Earth, but this still would be far from Kari's first adventure. Duncan was sure she was up to the challenge.

It hadn't taken much thought for Kari to agree. What little family Kari had left she didn't really count as family. And there wasn't anyone she could trust enough to count as a good friend. No one who wouldn't be too charmed by that...woman who called herself Kari's mother for Kari to rely on. So she accepted. And then outright told Alistair that, no matter what, Duncan was going to die. Duncan was furious, but Kari didn't care. She told Duncan she'd seen Alistair go through it as a surprise, and wasn't going to do it to him. Kari turned to Alistair and told him all about the cause and manner of Duncan's death, all about the game. Then she and Duncan made sure Alistair understood why they couldn't change any of it, couldn't warn anyone.

***

Karina paused writing. Why was she going into this? She wondered to herself. Cullen knew what the Wanderer was, even without his memories of her. It took her a moment to answer; Alistair. Kari's relationship with Alistair would only ever be as a friend anymore, but Cullen needed to know. Kari let out a sigh. The whole story of her and Alistair was a painful one, and she tried never to dwell on it.

Kari put quill to parchment and, trying to be brief, told of her and Alistair falling in love. Of Alistair helping her adjust. She even mentioned the gaming withdrawl she'd gone through at the beginning. For awhile, they were both happy.

Then certain realities had set in with Kari. She didn't have her own body. Her relationship with Alistair was fair, at least; Kari could tell without trying that Elissa Cousland loved Alistair. Alistair knew how the Blight would end as well as she did. He wanted her to retire as the Wanderer. Sigrun, who they knew she'd meet later, would gladly take the position (on that, at least, time had proven him right; Sigrun had practically begged for it). Kari could retire as Elissa and stay married to Alistair.

There were problems with this, however. For one thing, Sigrun wasn't worthy. Kari loved her like a sister, but Sigrun just wanted to die again and again to save everyone. When a Wanderer died, they simply moved on to the next host. It was the host who would die. Kari knew even then that she had to consider in her personal decisions what the host's life would be like after Kari left. What if Kari trapped them in a relationship with someone they didn't love? It was the host who would suffer later. Kari was lucky now in that Elissa loved Alistair, but still.

For another thing, a Wanderer also had to lead. No one could save the world alone, and a Wanderer's companions were often people who she would have to help become better versions of themselves. Kari wasn't convinced that Sigrun could do that.

Lastly, this was only Kari's first adventure. She loved it, and was not ready to retire yet. She loved being the one to save everyone from the shadows, unnoticed until she was already gone.

Once Karina had processed and considered all these things, she was left with only one course of action. And it broke her heart.

Kari started pushing Alistair away. Her plan was to end things between Alistair and herself, leaving Alistair in a relationship with Elissa. Kari knew she'd just leave. And with Alistair as King of Fereldan, he couldn't just go chasing after her. Furthermore, when Kari left, Elissa would have all the memories of Kari's decisions, believing they were her own. Alistair would be in love with someone other than his wife, but Elissa wouldn't understand that. It would kill their marriage and break both Elissa's and Alistair's heart. Maybe it would be different if Alistair wasn't king, but Kari knew she would make him king. It was the only decision she could live with.

One thing Kari didn't count on, though, was Alistair realizing all this. Quietly, where the others didn't see or hear, Alistair fought for them. Tried to persuade her. But Kari knew this was the only decision she could make that she could live with. So she refused. In the end, all Alistair did was draw the process out and make it infinitely more painful for both of them.

Time giving them both distance, she and Alistair remain very close friends today. They've been through too much together to be anything else. Alistair was there when she was recruited for the Wanderer, after all. But, Kari speculated on paper, she doesn't think Alistair ever forgave her for choosing the job over him.


	3. Kinloch Hold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, did I mention that this story is already finished? That is was before I posted the first chapter? I just decided that posting a chapter a day would be a good pace.

Because of the game on Earth, Kari knew everything there was to know about the fifth Blight. She knew about every setback she'd face, every possible decision she could make, and how to steer through to the right ones. So when she entered the Circle Tower in Fereldan, she knew what she'd find. To retake the Tower, she took Wynne, Leliana and Alistair. She knew what state Cullen would be in when they reached him, and these three were likely to be the most sympathetic, to make the experience of being rescued the easiest. Besides, even when things between them were at their worst, Kari nearly always took Alistair with her.

It was the second to last floor, and even Kari was starting to get a little weary. Defeating the sloth demon had taken more effort than she thought. Having to kill Duncan, the previous Wanderer, had been hard. Even after it had become clear that the nightmare was Elissa's, not Kari's.

When they came into the room by the stairs, Kari saw a glowing purple translucent cage. Obscuring the occupant from view was a group of desire demons, clearly taunting the prisoner. Kari was a look before you leap type, and preferred to examine a situation thoroughly and consider all possible options before acting. But she was tired, the tower was nearly saved, and damnit every _second_ delayed meant more people dying. She couldn't make out any words, but she could near Cullen's voice, and it sounded anguished. Kari's temper snapped, and she launched herself at the demons with a snarl. Her reaction startled her companions, and it was a moment before either side reacted to her attack. Before they did, Kari buried one of Elissa's daggers in a demon's throat.

"Never turn your back to a rogue." Kari hissed in the desire demon's ear just before its body slumped lifeless lay to the ground. The other demons gave her startled looks for and instant. Kari grinned at them and twirled the daggers. "Who's next?" Kari purred lightly at them, and then the battle was on.

"Wynne!" Kari called after the last demon fell. "Can you dispel this cage?"

"Silence, temptress!" Cullen interrupted before Wynne could reply. "I will not be so easily fooled!" Cullen knelt, bowed his head, and Kari heard his quiet prayer to the Maker for strength.

"The poor boy." Wynne said softly. "I've never seen anything like it." Wynne turned to Cullen, raising her voice to address him. "Rest easy. Help is here." Wynne's voice was soothing. Cullen finished his prayer and looked up.

"Still here?" Cullen said in disbelief. "That's always worked before."

"We're not demons." Alistair replied, his voice calm and even. "We're Gray Wardens come to liberate the tower."

"He's been tortured!" Leli made no effort to hide how horrified she was for him. She twisted a little, rummaging in her pack. "Surely we can spare some food and water; he must have been here for days!"

Kari rested one hand on the wall, pushing a little. "It won't get through, Leli. We'll have to dispel this cage thing first. Wynne?" Wynne stepped forward, examining it.

"Don't waste your energy on me." Cullen interrupted bitterly. "Uldred has all of the senior enchanters in there. The screams coming from upstairs," Cullen's voice choked off, and he looked away for a moment. "Whatever you find up there, just give them a quick death!" There was venom in Cullen's voice. Kari hardly blamed him. He'd been tortured by demons for days. Wynne, however, was appalled.

"They could still be alive up there! You can't seriously be suggesting-" Wynne fell silent, glancing over at Kari at the feel of Kari's hand on her shoulder.

"We're going to save the mages." Kari said, her voice soft but firm. Kari had no doubt of what the right course of action was, but Wynne and Cullen both needed the reassurance.

"You can't save them!" Cullen yelled, pounding on the wall nearest them. "You don't know what they've become!"

"Everyone can be saved." Leliana replied firmly.

Kari didn't get angry; Cullen had every right to be irrational under the circumstances. Kari walked over to him until they were inches apart, then crouched down to meet his eyes. She never raised her voice, but she let Cullen see the depth of the stubborn determination in her eyes.

"We're going upstairs. We're going to stop the demons. And then we're going to save everyone. Afterwards, we'll come down to rescue you, and we'll all tell the Knight Commander of our success. Together." Honestly, Kari expected Cullen to drop his gaze. She had a very deep well of stubbornness and determination she'd learned to rely on over the years. She'd also learned to keep it hidden, as it would scare people. Much to Kari's shock, Cullen didn't look away. His lips pursed, and his expression clearly showed his disapproval.

"As you can see, I'm in no condition to stop you." Cullen told them. He held her eyes for a moment, and sighed. "Maker turn his gaze on you. It appears you'll need it." Kari had never been religious, but she could appreciate a well-intentioned statement when she heard one. She inclined her head to him, then finally broke the stare to lead her group up to the final lair to free the Circle Tower.


	4. Marian Hawke

The next time Kari saw Cullen, she was in Marian Hawke. Typically, when someone is possessed by the Wanderer, their mind goes to sleep. The Wanderer has access to all of their host's memories, making it easy to tell what their host would say or do in any situation. Marian, however, was awake the whole time. Kari still didn't know why. It could have made the whole process unbelievably awkward and difficult. Fortunately, both women resolved to make the best of the situation. Marian held the typical Thedas attitude that being host to the Wanderer was an honor. Kari still didn't quite understand that, to be honest. However, with Kari on her best guest manners, it made things easy. More like sharing a room. Just with no privacy. Kari did retreat whenever Marian had any 'personal time' with Fenris. Not enough to be totally unaware; that just wasn't prudent. But she could and did retreat enough that Marian was hardly aware of Kari's presence, and pretended deafness. That seemed to be enough.

The real trouble came when they met Anders. Kari remembered him from Amaranthine, of course. Amaranthine had been miserable. She'd missed Alistair desperately. Yet at the same time, she was grateful he wasn't there. They ended their relationship under bad terms, and Kari was always simultaneously happy to see him, and devastated. Also, she'd known that Amaranthine was a sign that her time as Elissa Cousland was nearly over, a fact that also gave her decidedly mixed feelings.

Anders in Kirkwall was so different from the man she'd met in Amaranthine. Kari was desperately worried about him. But at a time in her life when she'd been miserable, Anders had made her laugh and made the whole thing bearable.

It wasn't until she saw him in Kirkwall that Kari realized that she'd fallen in love with him. Marian, of course, had felt everything Kari did. As soon as they were alone, Marian had demanded details. Kari simply shared her memories, including the way things ended with Alistair. Kari quickly decided not to tell Anders how she felt. Marian was in love with Fenris, and Kari still didn't have her own body. Besides, what if Anders decided to fight for them like Alistair had? Kari didn't have the strength to go through that again.

Marian tried many times over the next decade to persuade Kari to say something. She never succeeded. And experiment carried out due to the curiosity of both women had proved that, if it came down to it, Kari had ultimate control over Marian's body. In all the time Kari spent in Marian, she only used it once. Even then, Marian had agreed later that Kari had done the right thing.

As such things go, however, Kari saw Cullen again when she least expected it.

***

"Maker be my witness, Wilmod, I will have the truth from you now!" A familiar voice snarled up ahead. Marian and Bethany shared a concerned look, before hurrying around the corner. Aveline and Anders followed closely behind the sisters. They came to see a boy who matched the description of recruit Wilmod cowering in front of a man Kari recognized with a start as Cullen standing over him with a hostile expression.

"Mercy, ser!" Wilmod begged, nearly on his knees.

"Were it that easy!" Cullen snarled at him.

"Don't hit me!" Wilmod begged.

Kari barely registered seeing the muscles in Cullen's arm moving, a warning that he was, in fact, about to punch Wilmod, before she and Marian were moving. Kari caught Cullen's arm at the wrist before his blow could land. Cullen looked over at her, startled. Clearly, he hadn't heard them come over.

"You lay one finger on that boy, and I'll cut it off." Inwardly, Marian was startled at Kari's deep anger at Cullen and the calm determination in her voice. _No_ , Marian thought. _Anger isn't quite right._

_Disappointment_ , Kari replied inwardly. _He used to be a better person than this._

"Not the bloody Knight Captain!" Bethany hissed at them from behind. Marian wanted to turn and look a reassurance at her little sister, but Kari never broke her stare at Cullen.

The surprised look on Cullen's face quickly changed back into the angry snarl. "This is Templar business, stranger!" He told her imperiously, and tried to wrench his arm out of her grip. Kari twisted the grip a little until it was in a light wrist lock. Only enough to make it clear that his hand wasn’t going anywhere.

"I don't care if you're sleeping together. There's never any excuse!" Kari broke her calm façade a little and let her voice show her anger at him. Before Cullen could reply, they were both interrupted by Wilmod's cackling.

"Too late, you pathetic humans. To me!" Before their eyes, Wilmod transformed into a rage demon, summoning more to surround them. With her hand steady on his wrist, Kari felt Cullen flinch just the tiniest bit.

"Maker preserve us!" Just a touch of real fear in Cullen's voice as he freed his hand from Kari and unsheathed his sword. Kari rolled her eyes and made a rude noise. After the fight, Marian tried to explain away their reaction. 'Seen one demon, seen them all.'

Later, when they reported to Cullen what they'd found of demons in the Templar recruits, Kari's heart sank at his condemnation of mages. Marian hesitated to argue. She agreed with Kari wholeheartedly, but was arguing with the Knight Captain of Kirkwall in the Gallows square really prudent? Kari didn't hesitate. _Cullen has backslid_ , Marian. Kari thought at her. _This needs to be fixed. If he gets much worse, on my next host I may have to take him in hand personally. He's a better person than this._

Kari countered all his arguments, meeting his gaze unflinchingly and with that same firm, calm tone. Cullen needed to hear this. Mages are people, she told him, and people don't deserve to be imprisoned and abused. He disagreed. Kari fervently hoped she'd gotten through to him.


	5. Nobody Expects the Inquisition

The next time Kari had seen Cullen, it was as Ellana Lavellan in the war room at Haven. He'd found his morals again, along with a scar on his upper lip that made her breath catch unexpectedly. Well, Kari thought, it has been awhile. Marian had kept company with Fenris, of course, but Kari hadn't really been involved. She'd always given them privacy. Kari dismissed it as a combination of loneliness and physical attraction.

Time went on, and Kari acquired allies and investigated leads, she got closer to the members of her inner circle. Kari was delighted to find that Leli was her spymaster. It was becoming increasingly clear that Kari would need at least one confidante. Leli was the perfect candidate. More and more, the two of them would have private conferences. Usually they'd linger in the war room after Josie and Cullen left. Cullen kept watching her, whenever they spoke. Not suspiciously, exactly. More like he was wondering something and trying to determine if he was right.

"Cullen's onto us." Kari told Leli finally.

"Cullen? Surely not. He's a good man, but not a detective. We're safe. Perhaps he suspects us of a secret relationship, but I doubt he really knows." Leli was surprised at Kari's statement, but spoke confidently. 

"All right." Kari grinned at her. "Five gold sovereigns says he puts together who I am before we close the Breech."

"Five!" Leliana exclaimed. "Someone is very sure of his abilities." Leliana's voice turned soft and concerned. "Is there... Anything I should know?" Kari shook her head. When Kari and Alistair had ended disastrously, Leliana had been the one who held Kari in private and let her cry. Leli had been sad for her friend's failed relationship, but had understood Kari's reasons for ending it. She'd told Kari that she'd proved how much she really loved Alistair with her decision. She was sad for Kari, but Kari was right; Alistair would be happier this way.

"I just have more faith in his powers of deduction than you," Kari replied, ignoring Leli's unspoken 'are you all right'. "Is it a bet?"

"You're on," Leliana replied with a slow smile.

***

Much later, the three advisors, Cassandra and Ellana discussed the ramifications of the Lord Seeker's actions in Orlais. The prevailing opinion in the room, it seemed, was shock.

"I wonder if we could send him flowers," Kari mused aloud. She was a little tired of the circular conversation. And that certainly ended it. All four stopped talking, and Kari glanced over, curious to see their reactions.

Cassandra looked shocked and a little upset. Josephine's eyebrows had crawled halfway up her forehead, and she seemed at a loss. Leli simply raised an eyebrow at Kari, a corner of her mouth quirking in appreciation of Kari's lighthearted attitude. A little afraid, Kari turned to Cullen. She expected irritation, at least. What she did not expect, was to see his hand lifted to hide a smile, and hear barely stifled laughter.

"Perhaps you could elaborate, my lady Herald?" Josephine finally asked. Kari turned a smile on her (really, Ellana had a lovely, brilliant smile).

"I'm surprised you didn't notice it, Josephine. I'm simply trying to think of a single thing the Lord Seeker could have done there to help us more, and I can't think of anything. Perhaps we should send him flowers, as a thank you for being so kind?" Cullen's laughter finally escaped him as Kari finished speaking.

"That isn't funny." Cassandra replied flatly, glaring at both Ellana and Cullen.

"I disagree. Perhaps we should take a vote?" Kari was usually good at holding in her quips- her sense of humor tended to be sharp enough to hurt people's feelings. But for ten years she'd been able to share her jokes with Marian without hurting any feelings. Kari was out of practice.

"Irregardless," Leliana interrupted swiftly (even Josephine had been showing signs of stifled laughter). "The Herald is correct. She behaved perfectly when challenged by the Lord Seeker, and this will give us a chance to change minds in the Chantry. Correct, Josephine?" Josephine had taken over from there, and the meeting had proceeded.

"A moment alone, Lady Herald?" Leliana asked quietly as the others got ready to file out. Kari nodded and lingered. Cassandra had no papers to collect and left first. Josephine did a quick scan of the room, then left with her clipboard. Leaving only Cullen.

"Your pardon, Commander," Leliana addressed him when it was clear Cullen wasn't leaving yet. "But there are a few matters I have to speak to the Herald of which should be discussed in private." Cullen raised his eyebrows at Leliana, and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Perhaps you intend to speak of the fact that the lady Herald is, in truth the Wanderer? The same woman you became friends with during the Fifth Blight?" Leli's jaw dropped in shock, but Cullen continued, smoothly turning to Kari. "Good to see you again, my lady. I believe it was Kirkwall last, yes?" There was a moment of shocked silence before Kari burst out laughing. Leli even sputtered a little.

Ellana's accent was noticeably Dalish. Kari's was American. With help from her host memories, her accent was never a challenge to suppress. After all, in Thedas, she sounded like a dwarf. Kari extended a hand at Leliana.

"Told ya he'd figure it out. Pay up." Kari said, dropping Ellana's accent for her own. Leliana shook her head in disbelief as she fumbled in her belt for the coin. Then it was Cullen's turn to sputter.

"You two bet on me?" He exclaimed at them. This only set Kari off more.

"She was certain you would figure it out." Leliana replied sourly. "I hope my loss of five gold sovereigns is ample revenge."

"You've been suspicious for awhile." Kari finally managed around giggles. "I noticed and mentioned it to Leli. She didn't believe me, so I bet her."

Cullen turned towards Kari then, and she saw again the look that meant he was trying not to laugh.

"I hope you know I expect an equal share of your profits." Cullen told Kari, a smile tugging at the scarred half of his lips. Kari grinned back. This little interlude had given her enough time to stash the coin without Cullen seeing.

"Expect all you like, Commander." Kari replied, a mischievous look on her face. "My winnings remain mine."

Cullen stared back, a faintly predatory look making Kari's breath catch. "We'll see." Cullen replied simply.

From then on, Cullen joined Kari and Leliana in their private debriefing sessions. They didn't happen every day, but sometimes situations arose that required the attention of some who knew she was the Wanderer.


	6. Intermission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay. It's been a busy few days.

Kari had closeted herself alone for hours; Cole had wandered in and out occasionally, but she had been largely alone. And after the disastrous complication of Cullen's lyrium withdrawl, Varric had started to get really scared for her. So when Karina plopped down at Varric's table, his heart soared.

"Hero!" Varric said, keeping the relief out of his voice. "I'd started to wonder if you'd moved on. Buy you a drink?" His use of his nickname for her, Hero, brought about a mild expression of irritation. And it was that that really made him feel better. Yesterday when he'd used it, just after he'd heard that Curly had lost his memories of her, she hadn't even flinched. Now, it seemed, she'd recovered enough to be mildly annoyed. It was progress. When she resumed rolling her eyes or making a disgusted snort every time he used it, he'd call her all better.

"No, thanks." Kari replied, fidgeting a little. "Dorian is still the only one who can get me to drink." 

Kari's eyes were sunken and her hair seemed limper than usual. Her tone, though, held its usual light tone she got when she was joking. Her fingers were completely inkstained, and she held a sheaf of papers in one hand.

"I need a favor, Varric. But you absolutely can't gossip about it." Kari wouldn't meet Varric's eyes as she spoke. Varric put down his goblet.

"Contrary to popular belief, I can keep my mouth shut. All you ever have to do is ask, Hero."

Kari sighed and rubbed her eyes. Miraculously, the ink on her hands was all dried enough that none of it transferred onto her face. _Pity Curly isn't here to see this_ , Varric thought. _She's got that adorably absentminded look going for her now. Add that to her usual 'please take care of me' thing she's always silently screaming, and Curly wouldn't be able to resist._

"Cassandra mentioned that C-his memory loss won't be permanent." Kari finally started. _God, I can't even say his name now_ , Kari thought to herself. "And... someone suggested I write down the moments between us that were...important. That it might help speed up jogging his memory." Varric nodded slowly.

"Glad Cassandra reminded you. We were all worried about you. And that writing thing isn't a bad idea." Varric rubbed his chin thoughtfully. " _Someone_ , huh?" Karina glared at him.

"Someone who wishes to remain nameless." Kari told him firmly, then continued before he could protest. "Anyway, I already started it. I just wanted an opinion." Kari finished, lifting a corner or the stack of papers.

Varric nodded. "And you came to me, for obvious reasons. Your secret is safe with me, Hero. Hand 'em over." Kari pushed the papers at him, and Varric began to read.

***

Time passed, and Kari fidgeted nervously. She didn't say anything, much as she wanted to. She knew better than to rush him.

"Your narration's all over the place." Varric said finally, not halting his reading. "You keep getting distracted in the middle of a paragraph to go off on a tangent." Kari blushed sharply.

"Sorry," she muttered. "I'd better fix it."

"Nah," Varric replies. "It's never completely irrelevant. Keeps the readers on their toes."

Silence for another long while.

"Why are you spending so much time on defining the Wanderer? _Everyone_ knows who that is."

"I'm setting the scene. I have to make sure the reader knows the context."

"A little tedious, but alright."

More silence until Varric finished and set it down.

"You spend a lot of time talking about things that aren't Curly." Varric held up a hand to forestall her reply. "I know, more context. And it _is_ relevant; it tells the reader what kind of emotional state you were in when you saw him at Haven. But you rush through all this setup, and then stopped when you finally reached the relevant part. Now, you're a good enough writer that the work doesn't suffer for the rushing, and this once it makes sense to hurry. But then you stopped. I think you're afraid that, if you keep going, it won't be enough to bring Curly's memories back." Varric paused and put his hand over Kari's. "You're beautiful, brave, smart, and a gifted enough writer to make me nervous. Stop hesitating and go back up there and finish this. He loves you."

Kari gave Varric a small smile. She ducked her head to murmur a thanks, then left to follow Varric's advice. Varric sighed and shook his head as he watched her leave.

"If I ever find whoever killed her self-esteem, I'm introducing them to Bianca." Varric muttered.


	7. Almost But Not Quite

Time passed in Haven. Blackwell was recruited, and Kari felt Ellana develop feelings for him. They flirted. Then, despite herself, she flirted with Cullen. His blushes and stammering were all adorable. Kari tried to keep it under wraps, but when they reached Skyhold her occasional flirting with Cullen confused Blackwall. Finally, thoroughly exasperated with herself, Kari took Blackwall aside and told him all about her being the Wanderer. Things had reached the point where she was (unintentionally) playing with his emotions, and that wasn't fair.

When Marion had told Fenris about Kari, it had taken a solid hour of coaxing on both their parts before Fenris became something approaching okay with it. Blackwall took it significantly better. She had to spend a little time persuading him that she wasn't a demon, but an offer to fetch Vivienne for proof finally persuaded him. Kari carefully reassured Blackwall about the obvious privacy issues, and had the 'how much of it was really Ellana?' conversation. Afterwards, though, he surprised Kari by asking her about Cullen. She skillfully tried to brush off the inquiry, but he wasn't fooled.

"You care about him, don't you?" Blackwall asked flatly. Kari deflated under his blunt stare.

"Yes," Kari muttered. Then she launched into the by-now familiar explanation of Why Kari Is Destined To Die Alone. Blackwall listened to all of it. Then, when she was done, he took one hand and kissed her knuckles. It wasn't intended seductively, and neither of them read anything into it. But Kari was deeply touched at it.

"There's nothing I can say to make this easier for you. I wish there was. All I can say is thank you for sacrificing so much to save everyone. I know it's hard, and Maker knows it isn't fair. But you have my thanks for doing it. And if it's ever up to me, you're entitled to take one night to spend with someone that won't mean anything. A night that's just you. I agree with you that starting anything with Cullen would be a mistake. It'll just make parting harder." Karina, once again, melted a little. Blackwall was just a friend, but he was the first person who'd completely understood the situation she was in, and why she'd _had_ to do what she'd done. Kari smiled at him.

"You are a good man, Blackwall. And Ellana loves you. Never doubt either of those things."

The conversation continued from there, _but that part really wasn't any of Cullen's business now, was it?_

***

Karina paused writing for a moment, and chewed on the end of her pen as she thought. She made several false starts towards the paper, before she finally decided how to write the next part.

***

_Cullen, I know what part to write next; when we first kissed. But I'm not going to. I'm not going to tell you how adorable you were when you blushed and stammered your way through telling me how you felt. I won't tell you how wet you made me when you finally gave up on words and just kissed me. Because I'm not lingering on when I pushed you away. When I cried and told you why we couldn't be together. You were the third man I'd fallen love with, and the second I had told that to. When you said you understood, it was the last thing I expected. I fell so much more in love with you in that moment, Cullen._

_Want to know more about that time? You'll just have to remember it._


	8. Changes

They'd been out hunting darkspawn on the sword coast when it happened. Ellana, Blackwall, Dorian, and Solas.

At some point, without warning, Kari had felt a sharp, painful _pull_ , then flew through the air until she hit a nearby tree.

"Ellana!" Kari heard several voices call, then move away from here. Kari's head felt strange. Why did it feel strange?

"I don't feel any host memories," Kari murmured as Solas came over to her. Elf ears, so naturally Solas heard her. He inhaled sharply, then peered at her with too-keen eyes.

"Wanderer?" Solas asked carefully. Kari frowned and nodded at him. Solas had _not_ been one of those she had told that she was the Wanderer. "You are no longer in Ellana. I don't believe you are in a host at all." Kari clenched one fist in worry.

"That shouldn't be possible." She told Solas.

"We should return to Skyhold." Blackwall pitched in from where he was examining Ellana. " _Now_." 

***

They never made it to Skyhold. There was an ambush, and a chase. Kari remembered little of what happened next. One moment stuck in her memory.

"We are NOT leaving the Wanderer behind!" Dorian yelled at her. Kari couldn't remember seeing him so animated.

"My only hope now is a rescue!" Kari kept from shouting with effort. The group went silent for a long moment.

"She's right." Ellana Lavellan spoke finally. Ellana met the eyes of every party member in turn before she looked at Kari. "The Inquisition will rescue you, with all possible speed. I swear it. Just hold on." Kari nodded solemnly. 

"I believe you." Kari told Ellana. Kari turned back to Dorian, stepping in range to kiss him gently on the cheek. "Give that to Cullen for me." Kari told Dorian. She didn't give Dorian a chance to reply before she ran off, leading the pursuers away. It was only a matter of time before they caught her, though Kari was proud of how long it took them.

The next few...whatever length of time passed oddly. Kari was drugged with something so that she was barely coherent. Even now, much later, she remembered only flashes. A sharp, cruel voice directing servants. Being moved, bound in place. The magical ’experiments’, and how much they’d hurt. Being told, repeatedly that Cullen was dead. Kari tried not to believe them, but repetition combined with the mind-numbing quality of the drug made it impossible. Eventually, Karina gave herself over to despair.

Then, noises. Shouting. Fighting.

A tall, serious human looking her over. "Well, Wanderer, I guess I'm here to rescue you." Kari thought about that for a moment.

"Why are there three of you?" Kari finally asked blearily. He'd laughed and cut her loose.

Being held, passed to different sets of arms. And then Kari knew she was dreaming, because she recognized these arms. This voice.

"Cullen," Kari moaned softly, raising a hand to touch his face. She thought he looked worried. It was hard to tell, though; the room kept spinning and going fuzzy.

"I'm here." Not-Cullen told her. "You're safe."

"I'm sorry you're dead." Kari mumbled. "I should have saved you." The arms around her tightened almost painfully. But maybe she imagined that, because the voice was so gentle.

"I'm not dead, my love. They lied to you."

Kari had been told later that she'd repeated this conversation several times before she believed it.

***

Kari's memories of the return journey were few and disjointed. When she finally returned to her senses fully, she was back at Skyhold. She recognized one of the guest bedrooms Josie had insisted on fixing up. A huge canopy bed, an enormous wardrobe next to a full length mirror. And little else. Kari's gaze swept the room, passed the curtains (that matched the bedspread, of all things) and to the cracked open door. Voices leaked through it, and it took Kari a moment to realize it was a hushed argument, probably just outside her door.

Kari stood slowly, noticing with relief that she had on a simple white tunic and brown cloth breeches. But no socks. Kari rolled her eyes. Her feet were already freezing. Ignoring the cold floor, Kari padded softly towards the door, opening it just enough to see who was arguing and slip through.

"-nothing else they can do. She'll be _fine_ , Cullen!" Blackwall hissed. "If you go in there in this mood, you'll only make things worse. She needs rest!"

"You cannot expect me to just sit here quietly! You didn't see her there, Warden! They told her I was dead! And she kept forgetting my reassuring her that they lied!" Cullen's face was anguished as he all but yelled at Blackwall. The Warden was clearly annoyed, but patient. Probably, Kari reflected, Blackwall knew that Cullen wasn't really angry at _him_ , and was letting Cullen get it out of his system. Neither man had noticed her watching them.

"How's a body supposed to get any sleep with all this noise?" Kari teased, drawing shocked looks from both men. Cullen reacted first, dashing forwards to pull her into his arms. He buried his face in her neck and inhaled her scent. Cullen nuzzled his face into her to inhale properly, unintentionally rubbing his stubble against that spot that made her forget how to think, just for a moment. Kari's eyes went huge, and she suppressed a whimper. Blackwall smiled and chuckled.

"I'll leave you two to it." Blackwall inclined his head at Kari. "Good to see you awake."

Kari nodded at him, not trusting herself to speak with Cullen's face there. After a moment, Cullen recovered enough to pull back. One of his hands was around her waist, supporting her; apparently, he didn’t trust her ability to stand. The other reverently stroked her face.

"Are you all right? Maker, I've never been so scared. When did you wake up? _Why are you out of bed?!_ You can't be well enough!" Without waiting for an answer, Cullen scooped her up in his arms and carried her back into the room. Kari dissolved into giggles as Cullen carefully set her back in bed.

"Well, I'm glad _you_ think it's funny. We've all been terrified for you. Maker! The others should know you're awake! I need to-" Cullen turned to leave, but Kari grabbed his sleeve.

"Slow down, Cullen!" Kari said, still laughing a little. "Blackwall just left. I'm sure he'll tell whoever needs to know."

"I-he...oh." Was all Cullen seemed to manage. He slumped down to the bed, eyes drinking her in. 

"One, yes, Cullen, I'm fine. A little groggy and sore, but fine." Kari started, ticking off her fingers as she spoke. "Two, I only woke up just now." They were both silent for a moment, each drinking in the other's presence.

"You kept asking if I was dead." Cullen finally spoke. "You apologized to me for not saving me. I never want to see you that frightened again." Kari sat up a little and reached for his hand. She didn't know what to say. Cullen reached up with his free hand to stroke her face. Kari leaned into the touch.

"Solas says that you don't have a host anymore. That this body is really yours." Kari heard Cullen tell her. She didn't open her eyes, focusing on enjoying his touch. Silence again, then a muttered oath from him, and his lips on hers.

The kiss didn't last nearly long enough before Cullen pulled away, looking down.

"I shouldn't have done that," he muttered. Kari made a distressed noise, drawing his eyes back to her. A smile tugged at his lips, and he squeezed her hand. "You only just woke up, darling. You need your rest." Kari _would_ have argued, but the healer came in just then.

_Does this seem incomplete to you, Cullen? It should. I've left some things out. Come find me when you remember them._


End file.
